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"I Just Can't Go!" – Understanding School Refusal
You wake up, get breakfast ready, and call your child to get dressed. Instead of moving, they freeze.
Tears well up. Their body tenses.
“I can’t go.”
Maybe they say they feel sick. Maybe they get angry, slam a door, or refuse to put on their shoes.
You try to stay calm, but inside, you're panicking. Why is this happening? Is my child just being difficult? Should I push them to go?
If this sounds familiar, you’re not alone.
School refusal isn’t about stubbornness—it’s about survival. For many neurodivergent children, school feels overwhelming, unpredictable, and unsafe. Their nervous system is not coping, and their body is telling them to escape.
But what if we stop seeing it as "won't go" and start understanding it as "can't cope"?
Why School Feels Overwhelming for Some Children
Imagine going to work in a loud, unpredictable office where:
🔸 The lights buzz loudly, and the air conditioning hums constantly.🔸 The fabric of your uniform makes your skin itch.🔸 People demand things from you all day, with no time to rest.🔸 You’re expected to focus, problem-solve, and behave ‘normally’—even when you feel exhausted and overstimulated.
Now imagine that every day feels like this. No escape. No break. Just survival.
For neurodivergent children, the classroom can be a sensory battlefield. Loud noises, unexpected transitions, social pressures, and academic demands overload their nervous system.
So when they refuse school, they aren’t being difficult. They’re protecting themselves.
Research suggests that school refusal is often linked to anxiety, sensory processing difficulties, and autonomic nervous system dysregulation (Melvin et al., 2017; Porges, 2011).
Caroline Strawson’s Traffic Lights of Tolerance & School Refusal
Our nervous system works like a traffic light:
🟢 Green (Safe & Engaged)Your child feels calm, focused, and ready to learn.
🟠 Amber (Fight/Flight Mode)They feel anxious, restless, or overwhelmed. They might lash out, argue, or run away.
🔴 Red (Shutdown Mode)Their system is overloaded. They withdraw, freeze, or refuse to go to school.
School refusal happens when a child is stuck in Amber or Red. Their body cannot function in Green, no matter how much we push them.
This aligns with Polyvagal Theory, developed by Dr. Stephen Porges (2011), which explains how our nervous system responds to perceived safety or threat. If a child’s nervous system detects stress, it shifts into fight/flight (Amber) or freeze/shutdown (Red).
So instead of asking, "How do I make my child go?" try asking, "How do I help my child feel safe enough to go?"
What Might Be Happening in the Classroom?
Sensory Overload
For a child with sensory sensitivities, school can feel like an assault on their nervous system.➡️ Bright lights, loud noises, scratchy uniforms, and crowded hallways can be too much to handle.
Research supports the link between sensory processing differences and school anxiety (Lane et al., 2012), showing that children with sensory sensitivities are at higher risk of feeling overwhelmed in classroom settings.
Executive Functioning Challenges
If your child struggles with organizing thoughts, following instructions, or managing time, they may feel like they’re constantly failing.➡️ This can lead to frustration, anxiety, or avoidance.
Studies indicate that executive functioning deficits are a significant predictor of school-related distress in neurodivergent children (Gioia et al., 2000).
Social Exhaustion
Some children struggle to read social cues, manage friendships, or handle group work.➡️ By the end of the day, they’re mentally drained—making the thought of going back unbearable.
Masking & Burnout
Many neurodivergent children spend the school day hiding their struggles to fit in.➡️ By the time they get home, they collapse from exhaustion, making the next day feel impossible.
Anxiety & Unpredictability
Schools often lack flexibility for children who struggle with transitions.➡️ Sudden changes, unexpected tests, or strict rules can cause a huge stress response.
What You Can Do to Support Your Child
If your child is refusing school, they don’t need tough love—they need understanding and safety.
✅ Recognize School Refusal as a Nervous System ResponseInstead of pushing harder, get curious: What’s making school feel unsafe?
✅ Help Your Child Identify Their StateTalk about the Traffic Lights of Tolerance in simple terms:➡️ "When you think about school, does your body feel jumpy (Amber) or frozen (Red)?"
✅ Reduce Sensory Stressors➡️ Can they wear softer clothes? Use noise-canceling headphones? Sit in a quieter part of the classroom?
✅ Support Transitions➡️ Visual schedules and predictable routines help lower anxiety.
✅ Help Co-Regulate➡️ When they’re overwhelmed, your calm body helps theirs settle. Try sitting beside them and breathing slowly.
✅ Allow Small Steps➡️ Some children need a slow return—like starting with a half-day or shorter lessons.
✅ Validate Their Feelings➡️ Saying "School is safe, you have to go" doesn’t help.➡️ Instead, try: "I can see school feels really hard right now. Let’s figure it out together."
Final Thoughts: You Are Not Failing
If your child is refusing school, you are not a bad parent, and they are not a bad child.
Their nervous system is struggling, not misbehaving.
The goal isn’t to force school—it’s to help them feel safe enough to engage.
By understanding what’s really going on, you can support your child in a way that helps them thrive. 💛
Need Support? Let’s Talk.
👉 If your child is struggling with school anxiety, let’s work together to create a plan that helps them feel safe. Book a free 15-minute call here.
Gioia, G. A., Isquith, P. K., Guy, S. C., & Kenworthy, L. (2000). Behavior Rating Inventory of Executive Function. Psychological Assessment Resources.
Lane, S. J., Reynolds, S., & Dumenci, L. (2012). Sensory over-responsivity and anxiety in typical children and children with Autism and ADHD. American Journal of Occupational Therapy, 66(5), 556-566.
Melvin, G. A., Tonge, B. J., Gray, K. M., & Taffe, J. (2017). School refusal: A handbook for teachers, counsellors and parents. Australian Psychological Society.
Porges, S. W. (2011). The polyvagal theory: Neurophysiological foundations of emotions, attachment, communication, and self-regulation. W. W. Norton & Company.