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Writer's pictureKaren Turner
7 min read

Be Kind to Yourself

. The Permission to Grieve: A Mother's Journey Through Loss


"Compassion for others begins with kindness to ourselves" - Pema Chodron


Trite? Selfish? Egotistical? I never really understood the importance of being kind to myself until the death of my 31-year-old son, Aiden, on 22nd October 2018. On that day, my universe crashed, and my heart was broken into a million pieces, never to be whole again.


The Day Everything Changed

Earlier on that Monday afternoon, I didn't understand the significance of the feeling which caught me so unawares that I stopped what I was doing and pondered on the anxious, gnawing sensation that came from deep in the pit of my stomach.

I went to the supermarket about an hour later, and that is where I received the message 'call me immediately' from my ex-husband. I knew instantly. I didn't even consider that my son could be badly injured. I knew in a single heartbeat, I just knew that he was gone. I knew because I'm his mum.


The Descent into Darkness

There began my journey through a blackness that swallowed me up, that cocooned me in numbness, like being frozen, just letting me feel enough to allow me to put one foot in front of the other, to function on a basic level.


The Well-Meaning Voices

Over the coming days, weeks and months, I was given a tonne of guidance. Told how to grieve.... I remember being told I was 'strong'. In fact, I was told to 'be strong'.


What? Really?


I used to sit there and think about the stupidity of the words that I was cajoled along with.

'You can't really feel like that....come on - it's been 6 months now'

'You need to get yourself together.....'

'Why don't you set yourself some goals?'

'You have so much to be grateful for'


So I ignored everyone and lambasted them quietly in my mind thinking 'thank your lucky stars that this didn't happen to you'...


Finding My Way Through Loss

I lost friends, literally overnight, people I had known for years. Some crossed the road to avoid me or pretended not to see me. I was baffled for a while. I couldn't really work out why friends could behave this way. Through my later studies of trauma and the nervous system, I came to understand their reactions came from their own fear and discomfort with mortality.


My personality changed. I gave up activities that involved large groups of people because I didn't feel able or even want to chat about the daily grind. There was nothing, from my point of view anyway, more important to me than me and my family. I had no spare capacity and I knew, that if I did not function, what still mattered to me, would probably crumble - I half expected it to anyway. How does a marriage even survive something like this? Plenty fail.


Learning Self-Kindness

I wore a 'mask'. I smiled when I had to - fake it 'till you make it was a mantra I took from another mum who had lost her 21-year-old son. I found some strength in that. I had to find a way to bandage my broken heart while swallowing insensitive comments from others who through no fault of their own just couldn't grasp the depth of pain and grief that child loss brings. Friends made light-hearted remarks and crass comments in a bid to brighten my day that sadly, I was hypersensitive to and sometimes I couldn't stop myself from telling it how it was.


The Journey to Understanding

Through my grief journey, I discovered the profound connection between trauma and the body. I learned how our nervous systems respond to devastating loss, how trauma manifests itself physically and emotionally. Van der Kolk's work showed me that my physical symptoms weren't just grief - they were my body's natural response to profound trauma. Understanding how trauma disrupts our entire system - our brain chemistry, our emotional regulation, even our immune system - gave me permission to prioritise my healing.


I needed to be kind to myself by disconnecting from others in order to find connection and make sense of the loss of my boy. So that is precisely what I did. This wasn't selfish - it was survival. I had to find a way to carry my grief while still being present for my daughter, for my son's children, for those who needed me. But first, I had to attend to my own wounded nervous system.


I read and I listened and I slept and I cried for months until I felt like I could integrate with the world again - slowly and with the help of some very dear friends. This was my way of processing, of healing, of finding my path forward. There was no timeline, no schedule, just the gradual emergence from the depths of grief at my own pace


Resources That Helped Me Survive

In the depths of grief, certain books became more than just reading material – they became my lifelines. I read, I cried, I slept for months until I was ready to emerge and reintegrate.


Understanding the Body's Response

  • "The Body Keeps the Score" by Bessel van der Kolk This groundbreaking book opened my eyes to how trauma is stored in the body, not just the mind. It helped me understand that my physical symptoms - the exhaustion, the pain, the feeling of being constantly on alert - weren't just in my head. Van der Kolk explains how trauma disrupts our entire system: our brain chemistry, our emotional regulation, even our immune system. Reading it, I finally understood why "being selfish" wasn't selfish at all - it was my body and brain demanding what they needed to survive. The book explains how trauma can keep us stuck in survival mode, making it virtually impossible to be present for others or even ourselves. I learned that to heal, I needed to listen to my body, to give it time and space to process the unimaginable. This wasn't a luxury - it was essential for my nervous system to begin to regulate itself again. Understanding the science behind trauma's impact gave me permission to prioritise my healing. I had to be here for my daughter, to see her grow up. I needed to be present for my son's children. But to do that, I first had to attend to my own wounded nervous system.


Raw Truth from Those Who've Walked This Path

  • "The Unspeakable Loss" by Nisha Zenoff This became my bible because Nisha, having lost her son, understood every aspect of this journey. She had pulled together other peoples stories of loss and combined them into a book that was a walk through grief from every aspect of life, through to emergence. Every scenario I faced, every painful emotion I experienced, was acknowledged in these pages. There was profound comfort in reading words from someone who had walked this unbearable path before me.


Finding Hope and Meaning

  • "A Course in Miracles" and other works by Pam Grout Pam's words carried extra weight because she too knows the pain of child loss, having lost her daughter Taz. Her perspective on finding meaning and even moments of joy amidst profound grief felt authentic and possible because she'd lived it


For Personal Growth and Transformation

  • "Becoming Supernatural" by Dr. Joe Dispenza This book came to me when I needed to understand that transformation was possible, even in the depths of loss. Dispenza's blend of science and spirituality offered practical tools for rewiring my grief-stricken brain and accessing inner strength I didn't know I possessed. It helped me understand that even in our darkest moments, we have the power to reshape our reality and find purpose in our pain.

  • "Rising Strong" by Brené Brown Brown's work on vulnerability and courage supported my journey of being "selfish" – of taking the time and space I needed to process my grief. She helped me understand that withdrawing wasn't about abandoning others, but about preserving myself so I could eventually be present for those who needed me.


The truth is, grief isn't something you "get over" – it's something you learn to carry. These books taught me how to carry my grief while still carrying on with life. They showed me that taking care of myself wasn't optional – it was essential for my survival and for my ability to be there for my family.


About the Author

Following the loss of my son Aiden in 2018, my journey through grief led me to transform my own pain into a path of helping others.


Understanding how trauma lives in the body and impacts our nervous system has become central to my work, particularly in supporting:

  • Individuals seeking to understand and heal from trauma

  • Parents of neurodivergent children who need to understand the importance of taking care of themselves, to be able to take care of their neurodivergent children

  • Individuals seeking to understand and heal from trauma

  • Anyone navigating loss


Today, I combine my professional expertise as a:

  • Somatic Trauma-Informed Coach (currently studying)

  • Hypnotherapist

  • Mindfulness Teacher

  • Master NLP (Neurolinguistic Programming) Practitioner

  • Reiki Master

  • Human Resource Professional


My work with parents of neurodivergent children emphasises the critical importance of self-care and nervous system regulation. I teach parents that understanding and managing their own responses is essential for supporting their children who may not be able to regulate during meltdowns. This mirrors the journey of self-kindness I learned through grief - we must put our own oxygen mask on first to help others effectively.


This unique blend of healing modalities, coupled with my personal experience of loss and transformation, allows me to support others through their own journeys of growth through a trauma informed lens. My approach draws on both professional expertise and lived experience, understanding that healing requires attention to body, mind, and spirit.


Connect With Me

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